Jeans and Women: Deadliest Of ‘em All!

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After the Friday sermon on 23rd June, Maulana Fazlur Rehman of Pakistan raised a dire issue – one that requires immediate attention. He requested the Pakistani forces to come together and launch military operations against the women of Pakistan who wear jeans, reflecting the larger trust the average Pakistani has on its military rather than the government to get things done. In his statement he said,

“The Taliban are our brothers and their angst against the state is justified…..TTP’s suicide bombings are just Allah’s wrath upon us. And so there is a need to earmark and eliminate the real enemy of Pakistan: every woman who wears jeans.”

Apparently, the combination of women with jeans renders them injurious to the State of Pakistan. While the damage or destruction caused by jeans is unknown, this very ignorance must be its claim to danger. The request to the military might point us in the right direction. There is some danger to life and fatality involved. By the way, this is not the first time he has raised this extremely critical issue – he has, in the past declared, with a lot of authority, that women who wear jeans (hold your breath for this one) cause earthquakes (he takes the whole ‘butterfly affect‘ to another level!). Right.

Coming back to the present burning jeans-issue at hand – It is possible that jeans, when worn by women, react with the unique hormones in a woman’s body and re-programme them into thinking they are free beings, or worse, equal to men. Another possibility could be that wearing jeans would discover the shape of a woman’s leg to any man who might descry her, which would distract him from acting out God’s wish of bombing people. He must only focus on the virgins that are promised to him in Heaven. It is clear how much they threaten the smooth running of the State of Pakistan by now.

The army must undergo separate and special training to destroy this threat. A special kind of protective gear must be designed for them after assessing the effect of the jeans, so as to avoid any contact or contamination from them. Only the imagination might limit what weapons could look like and accomplish for eradicating this grievous threat.

Feminist groups around the world could protest, but they might be considered to be affected by the very same malady. Or, they could be dismissed by alleging that they are all suffering from the ‘Pre-Menstrual Syndrome’ (don’t get me started on this!)

It is clear that there is an intense need for further research in this field. We hope that the greatest minds of today busy themselves with unfurling the mystery of this threat, and find a way to successfully remove it. In the coming years, many books, research papers and theses shall be written on this topic.

And who knows, a Nobel Prize might hang in the balance for them. Ah no! The virgins in Heaven are to be the biggest prize of them all!

By Halak Pandya.

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Halak is an undergraduate student pursuing literature. She aspires to be a writer. Halak also holds a Master Diploma in Bharatnatyam and a Black belt in Taekwondo. She describes herself as a luftmensch.

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